You are Not Someone Else’s Story of You…

Though you may have unknowingly taken on that fairy tale as who you are.

You are not really even your own story of who you think you are… as we construct our reactions and reality through the echoes of old protection mechanisms hiding the precarious fragile you, you secretly think yourself to be.

But you are not that fragile self. It is only your mind that tells you so, echoing those old stories of others.

You are so much more than that.

You just need to wipe clean your inner glasses!

Huh???

I spent decades holding myself back, not trusting my own self-worth, and dealing with the “supposed” failure of not living up to other people’s expectations of who I should be and how I should live my life.

People who, themselves, had no idea of the haze of stories they were living in, and so projected their haze onto me and others.

And with the seemingly “good” and “bad” experiences, there were so many powerful interactions, so much love expressed, and many important discoveries learned along the way, I wouldn’t have changed one darn thing.

Those experiences taught me so much about myself.

Those experiences led me to now.

Those experiences led me to step into my work… what I have come to realize as a deeper calling.

Those experiences led me to create Unstorying, so I could share a process with others to help them to see through that same haze.

It’s time to see yourself more clearly.

It’s time to Unstory your Self.

To get unstuck… to understand yourself better… to feel more freedom and joy in your life.

To untangle the web of those stories you’ve built around yourself.

To see a different perspective, change your story, or see that the story itself is only a pointer towards something even more spectacular and sublime within yourself.

It’s time. ⏰

Life is a “Yes, And.”

Not everything is “Either, Or…”

“Yes, And…” allows for a space to see others, the world, and yourself more clearly.

“Either, Or” shuts it down.

Your perspective is not the ONLY correct perspective. Awareness allows you to see that other people’s perspectives arise from their own prior experiences, fears, and hopes about their wellbeing, as does your own.

Your pain is not the ONLY allowable pain to console. Your perceived “other” is human and suffers as well.

Your story is not the ONLY story that is valid and valuable. And… this doesn’t mean you have to share the other person’s story of experience, or agree with it, or negate or invalidate your own, but by recognizing that their story is equally resonant for them, you have a place to begin.

Humans can contain a multitude of these stories. If you are shutting down someone else’s story, YOU are the one stuck in your mind’s shadow of stories.

And… it’s the projections of that shadow outward that keep us separate and stuck in cyclical suffering.

Shadows often appear as existential fights to survive. At their core, they are lying to you. But, if believed, they become a self-fulfilling reality.

Projections perpetuate pain.

For any story you are carrying today, for any perspective you hold, try to employ the “Yes, And” and see what arises:

🕯 “I am in pain. Yes, and so might be the person who I am in conflict with.”
🕯 “I am afraid. Yes, and so might be the person who I am in conflict with.”
🕯 “I feel disrespected. Yes, and so might be the person who I am in conflict with.”
🕯 “THEY are the problem. Yes, and so might I be the problem.”

Free yourself from the stranglehold of your own shadow story.

It’s time. ⏰

An Excerpt from the Introduction of “Becoming Unstoried”

Excited to share this bit from my upcoming book!

Storytelling has long been a way of connecting people, cultivating deeper understandings of culture and experiences, entertaining, warning, and teaching. Since ancient times, humans have used stories to communicate and process their world. If you think about it, we don’t often relate our experiences in bullet points. That would be absurd, right? Instead, we tell each other stories about our day, and whether consciously or unconsciously, we adjust based on audience and intended outcome.

And this doesn’t only apply to the stories we tell other people, we also craft the stories we tell ourselves. We alter and adjust those based on our beliefs about ourselves and the world. How do we see ourselves? How do we see that other person or situation? These questions help us to construct our inner stories. And that, can make every difference in how you experience your life. You have been telling yourself stories your entire life. And now, here I am suggesting you Unstory yourself. What does that even mean? It doesn’t mean to live without any stories. The human mind is hardwired to storify everything. To Unstory is to be able to see your stories; really see and understand your stories and where they came from, so you can know what stories are real and what are simply crafted through false beliefs and understandings you’ve carried your whole life. The mind is like an organic supercomputer; it pulls in sensory experiences and makes sense of them, often using past memories and situations to determine how you feel about them. Which, in turn, is often based in old experiences you had as a young child. Those memories remain lodged in the psyche, charged with the original emotions you carried when you felt that core story for the first time. The situations and participants of the present-day story may have changed, but the mind doesn’t really know that. It still thinks it’s that two or five or seven-year-old version of you… unless you bring more awareness to it.

As I write this introduction, I can hear the soft sound of the rain pitter-patting onto the river out my window. The sun is out, but the gray rain clouds are here too. It’s a play of light and dark co-existing, inspiring me to open my story and offer it to the page. It’s the sound of water flowing horizontally and falling vertically at the same time. It’s the anticipation of waiting to see how my story unfolds, and the urge to run and do something… anything… else to continue the well-oiled procrastination machine that I’ve honed so well. All these seeming opposites can exist together in the wonderful paradox of being. The patchwork quilt of all the pieces of our life that make us who we are; the brightly colored ones and the gray, hazy ones, and the ones that have seen unknown trials, covered in wayward threads, burnt cigarette holes, and the scat of unknown animals. And that… is where this story will begin.

October at Minding the Story

It’s My Birthday Month!

I am so grateful for the many teachers and practitioners who have taught me some of the concepts and techniques I use in my own life to see the ways my old stories can still run rampant and masquerade as my reality. And, how that has kept me stuck, anxious, mired in drama, and more, too many times to count over the course of the decades.

Understanding how stories construct reality has changed my entire experience of life. And… I know that sometimes coaching can feel like an expensive prospect, and that may feel like a daunting barrier, but it’s time to see through the stories!

Now more than ever.

That’s why, to celebrate another year around the Sun for me, if you start working with me during the month of October, I want to give you 25% off the fees on either one Unstorying Session Cycle (3 weeks) or the longer Becoming Unstoried Program (12 weeks).

It’s time!

Offer expires October 31, 2023.

Click here to schedule a Discovery Call

To forgive or not to forgive… that is the question.

The answer?

Well, it depends on whether you value being right all the time, and holding onto that anger from things that have already happened, over freeing yourself from that suffocating story.

Forgiveness does NOT mean you have to continue to put yourself in toxic situations. It is ok to to release some situations and relationships if they are causing you pain. And, when necessary and possible, accountability for all those involved. Recognizing and owning the pain we’ve caused helps to heal hearts.

But holding onto righteous indignation and that angry energy in the pit of your stomach is like hugging razor wire every time you think of how you’ve been wronged. It only destroys you from the inside out.

See if you can see those who have wronged you as human… fallible and filled with stories of their own. Stuck in their own old patterns and fears.

And those you may have wronged too, knowingly or unknowingly. You might not be able to make it right, but you can still ask for forgiveness for causing others pain.

And what about your forgiveness of yourself? Often the toughest type of forgiveness is for ourself, for perceived faults and failures, causing us to carry years of old guilt and shame. Holding onto that pain will only eat away at you and create more shadow stories, creating ongoing trauma that will show up at unexpected times and places.

Break that golden chain and set your heart free.

They deserve forgiveness. They are human. It does not condone what was done. It is simply an act of compassion for the humanness of us all.

You deserve forgiveness. You are human. You have made some choices which resulted in pain for others, or yourself, whether you meant to or not.

“Eventually you’ll find that you want to be free more than you want to be right.”

It’s time to be free.

Leaving the State of Denial

I’m good. Are you good? You ARE good? Good! That’s good.

But, are you… really?

It’s a coping mechanism to keep those interactions at a surface level so you avoid being too vulnerable or getting “too involved.”

But this can keep you feeling isolated and disconnected from others…

And more so, in internal dialogues with yourself…

“I’m fine.”
“I’m staying calm and carrying on.”
“Busy, busy, busy.”
“That’s in the past, I’m over it.”
“THOSE people are the problem. Otherwise, it would be fine.”

We stick our “head in the sand” (which by the way…ostriches DON’T really do!), and choose to ignore the very real old emotional stories we carry with us into our daily lives.

Not all old trauma is BIG. Trauma experiences can be subtle too. They can be old. They can be cumulative.

Not all trauma has other people to blame. Some does, for sure. And with those experiences, time to face the pain, healing, and hopefully accountability, needs to occur.

But some old trauma is simply the way we perceived and processed an experience as a child; not yet cultivating the skills to understand the stories at play to bring more awareness to the experience.

It gets stuffed back into the recesses of our psyche and forms our Shadow.

By courageously looking at your shadow stories of old hurts, misunderstandings, stifled feelings and talents, and childhood-era coping skills, you can leave that State of Denial and step out into a much bigger space.

The last few years have created trauma, both huge and small, obvious and subtle, for everyone in some way. No matter what your perspective on the whats, whys, and wherefores of what happened.

The world shut down.

Your world changed drastically.

Just that alone causes trauma. The quicker we discounted that and simply moved forward, meant that those fears of uncertainty, frustration, anger, concern, etc. were intentionally bundled away to be dismissed and forgotten.

But… the psyche never forgets.

You may be in denial of those stories, but your Shadow psyche remembers, and it can wreck havoc with your life in the most curious and unexpected ways.

This is not about dwelling in that space of “woe is me” and pain.

It’s about not denying that those spaces are part of you.

It’s not about blame.

It’s about being willing to understand yourself better by seeing those spaces and understanding how they affect your thoughts and beliefs today.

That’s Shadow Work.

That’s how you leave the State of Denial.

Does Anyone Feel Awe and Wonder Anymore?

I do. 🙋🏻‍♀️

It’s that space where you can get out of your head and stop feeling the need to control every little thing…

A place where you simply bear witness to something so beautiful and profound that you lose yourself in that moment…

A moment where you feel the enormity of the universe or the perfection of nature or even the miraculousness of how things come together…

That’s it!

That’s the space where you can imagine that anything’s possible.

Where you don’t have to fight for control of anything.

Where you can stand back and see the wonder of your life and everything that is unfolding FOR you.

Stepping out of the story of you and into your Self.

When’s the last time you experienced that moment of awe and wonder?

Ready to be Terrified?

Most people would say “no!”

But chances are they won’t even allow themselves to get that far.

There are thrill seekers out there who will jump out of a plane or climb the highest mountains, but how many are willing to shift their reality in their sense of self and the world?

Most people aren’t willing to look and see the stories that are operating under the surface of their psyche… that cause reactivity, drama, and the feeling of stuckness.

They prefer to point the finger at others or at “circumstances beyond their control” and feel secure in keeping this POV as their operating mode.

When people DO see the importance of this inner world, shadow work process, they won’t usually start out using the word “terrifying”…

Most people doing shadow work start out using these words:

“Hopeful”
“Scared”
“Uncomfortable”
“Nervous”

And that’s totally to be expected!

But it’s ultimately, when they acknowledge this word:

“Vulnerable”

… that I know they are really ready.

It takes the willingness to be vulnerable to see through the stories you’ve held onto as protection your whole life.

And then… to embrace all of these things as part of you but not as DEFINING who you are.

Seeing your wholeness and loving it all.

And that’s what’s terrifying, as we fear what might be deemed “unacceptable” by others and, therefore, by ourselves, or what we fear to be true.

Being all of who we are means honoring ourself, loving ourself, and accepting ourself… completely.

Completely.

It doesn’t mean you might not choose to make changes in your world and within yourself, but it means that it’s done as an act of self-awareness, self-worth and self-love, rather than out of fear and self-hatred.

So… are you ready to be terrified?

Step Out of the Story of YOU

Stepping out of the story of who I thought I was, and who I thought I NEEDED to be, was the best thing I ever did.

For years, I identified with my job, strived for the things others had, and cared too much about the expectations of others. Those days are gone. And, I can’t even say that I DID anything to step out of those stories. It happened organically when I saw for myself that my stories, all stories, are constructed… And usually, constructed out of fear.

💭 Fear of not being ok.
💭 Fear of not being liked.
💭 Fear of failing.
💭 Fear. Fear. Fear. Fear. Fear.

But why? Because along the way I picked up these stories and they became lodged in my psyche. But once seen through… once really seen and felt, guess what? They dissipate into the ether. 💨

They were never me to begin with. My stories about others were never about them either. All experiences are part of the play of this world.

Sound out there? I thought so too…

That was until I found the courage to really LOOK and SEE my stories. And notice what was operating under the haze. And then, to learn to trust that life will unfold FOR me and not happen TO me.

As Robert Frost wrote:

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?”
I took the road less traveled by.
And that has made all the difference.”

My road led to this view shown here, and a more expansive view of who I am than I ever thought possible.

Reach out when you, too, want help finding that road: mindingthestory.com

When “Problems” Aren’t Actually “Problems” At All

What if nothing is ever truly a “problem?” Would that change how you see your experiences?

Too often, we don’t pay attention to our words. Words have power, not only when we use them outwardly in the world, but also when we use them internally, with ourselves. The words you use are actually a pretty good indicator of the stories you carry in the shadow side of your psyche.

And, what does “problem” mean anyway? Usually, it’s used to refer to something we see that we don’t like or agree with, want to be different, or an obstacle in our way. But what if you used “challenge” instead of “problem” each time? How would the situation feel then?

This is something I started doing a year or so ago. Every time I was about to say that something or someone was a “problem,” instead, I would stop and rephrase that they were a “challenge.” That meant that whatever the situation was, it was never a problem, just a challenge for me to face. And… challenges are good things!

Some people prefer problems, because they see them as something logical to “solve.” But problems sound and feel defeating and solving them, only an intellectual exercise. It keeps it impersonal and distances you from the situation at hand, and the shadow stories stuffed down and tucked away in the dark of your psyche.

Challenges give us opportunities to identify the things we consider difficult, and then look into the reasons WHY… learning more about ourselves in the process! They give us something to face, rather than solve or dismiss. They give us the chance to overcome our challenges and feel empowered as we embrace them. But even more importantly, they give us the opportunity to see that they might never have been truly a “challenge” for us in the first place… Only that we had defined it as such. A self-created issue or challenge.

And THAT, is where shadow stories tell us so much about ourselves indeed! What I would consider a challenge, you might do every day, or the opposite could be true. Challenges can be personal and/or collective, but they always come with a story.

So, they next time you are about to use the word “problem” for something, try using “challenge” instead, and then, try, this week, to see what story you are carrying about WHY that thing or situation is feeling like a problem or challenge in the first place.