Minding the Story

When “Problems” Aren’t Actually “Problems” At All

What if nothing is ever truly a “problem?” Would that change how you see your experiences?

Too often, we don’t pay attention to our words. Words have power, not only when we use them outwardly in the world, but also when we use them internally, with ourselves. The words you use are actually a pretty good indicator of the stories you carry in the shadow side of your psyche.

And, what does “problem” mean anyway? Usually, it’s used to refer to something we see that we don’t like or agree with, want to be different, or an obstacle in our way. But what if you used “challenge” instead of “problem” each time? How would the situation feel then?

This is something I started doing a year or so ago. Every time I was about to say that something or someone was a “problem,” instead, I would stop and rephrase that they were a “challenge.” That meant that whatever the situation was, it was never a problem, just a challenge for me to face. And… challenges are good things!

Some people prefer problems, because they see them as something logical to “solve.” But problems sound and feel defeating and solving them, only an intellectual exercise. It keeps it impersonal and distances you from the situation at hand, and the shadow stories stuffed down and tucked away in the dark of your psyche.

Challenges give us opportunities to identify the things we consider difficult, and then look into the reasons WHY… learning more about ourselves in the process! They give us something to face, rather than solve or dismiss. They give us the chance to overcome our challenges and feel empowered as we embrace them. But even more importantly, they give us the opportunity to see that they might never have been truly a “challenge” for us in the first place… Only that we had defined it as such. A self-created issue or challenge.

And THAT, is where shadow stories tell us so much about ourselves indeed! What I would consider a challenge, you might do every day, or the opposite could be true. Challenges can be personal and/or collective, but they always come with a story.

So, they next time you are about to use the word “problem” for something, try using “challenge” instead, and then, try, this week, to see what story you are carrying about WHY that thing or situation is feeling like a problem or challenge in the first place.

This is a fork…

Yep, you read that right. It’s a fork. It’s a disposable, supposedly biodegradable, fork.

Why am I posting a picture of a fork?

It’s to remind you that though things can feel very serious and challenging sometimes, there is always that space for the lightness and silliness of life.

My parents were visiting, and my dad and I walked to a nearby cafe to get dinner.

As we picked up our order, the woman at the register asked us if we wanted forks. I said no, as we were taking the food home, but my dad decided to ask her about the forks…

“Are they good forks?”

She smiled at his random question, not missing a beat, “They are the BEST forks. We are known for our forks.”

My dad replied, “Well, then, if they are the BEST forks, then we’ll try them out. You should have a picture of the forks up on your wall to show customers these forks.”

She responded, “Take a picture of the fork, and we’ll put it up.”

Dad said, “We will and we’ll frame it!”

We walked home and told my mom about our conversation.

I thought this would be the end of the story.

However, my mom, instead of laughing at us, said, “Ok, take a picture of the fork, and we’ll create a frame for it.”

I have always admired my parents’ ability to add a moment of silliness to any seemingly mundane experience.

The next day, my parents walked back over without me and presented this framed photo of a disposable fork to the woman at the restaurant.

🤔 Would this woman remember my father and their conversation?
🤔 Would she think he’s a nut for returning with a framed picture of a disposable fork?
🤔 Would she even be there, with a new person not knowing why my parents were presenting said picture to them?

I waited to find out how the silliness would unfold.

As it turns out, the woman was there and remembered my dad, and with a knowing smile, happily took the photo and put it up on the wall so that future customers could see that they had the BEST forks.

And so a legend was born…

The picture is still hanging there to this day.

Why am I telling such a random story about forks and pictures and my parents on my blog?

To remind you that though life can be a rollercoaster of challenging and easy, tragic and euphoric, the practice of seeing the silly moments and simply going with them can make every difference.

It’s the “YES AND” of life.

Stepping out of the stories you are in to connect with another human being in a moment of levity can alleviate the feeling of separateness.

Making someone smile, making yourself smile, lowering blood pressure, calming the nervous system, can help you reset.

Be IN every moment you’re in and don’t be afraid to be silly.

Resistance is futile!

I am reminded of that daily.

Even today, in fact, a situation is unfolding that I had hoped to control in some way. Planning and fostering the narrative, mostly in the intent of emotionally protecting myself, pushing away things that make me uncomfortable, hoping to organize the outcome I wanted.

Nope. Didn’t happen. Mercury retrograde or whatever… I have only to sit here and surrender… and laugh at myself.

We spend so much of our lives trying to wrest control over situations, outcomes, nature, others, ourselves…

That we fail to see that life has its own way of unfolding in surprising and unexpected ways.

Jobs may be lost… relationships may end… situations may not be what we expected… old experiences that challenged us will move back to the surface of our world again…

When we resist life’s wisdom, and force it to bend to our will, we suffer.

But what if you were the one to surrender?

What if you saw unexpected setbacks as redirections and opportunities to learn about yourself: your boundaries, your needs, your true nature?

So ask yourself, when life happens…

Will I resist its flow or ride the waves? 🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊

I’m Not Everyone’s Cup of Tea…

And, that used to bother me.

I can be intense and sweet, tough and empathetic, opinionated and open-minded.

I am a lot. And that used to be considered a problem.

Years ago, I tried to change to make others more comfortable, and hope that it would make them like me.

And then I realized… Why?

I was chasing after people to make them my friend, my partner, my ally colleague… Why?

Because no one wants to be alone.

But then, I realized that the people who GOT me were still there. The ones who understood and appreciated who I was, were still there. And that’s when I paused and looked around me…

And I saw the intense, sweet, tough, empathetic, opinionated, open-minded, fierce, and loving people around me, and I felt at peace.

Find the people who get you. And, learn more about yourself from the ones that don’t…

“All at Once, the Birds Were Everywhere.”

No, don’t worry, I’m not talking about some Hitchcockian nightmare, but I have had a lot of birds appear in the Story of Me recently.

Months ago, I was building my business, wondering if I should continue on this path, and prepping a class on the Sufi poem, “The Conference of the Birds” for a course I was teaching.

Suddenly, I heard a ton of fluttering outside my door. I went out the side door and came around the front and 35 cormorants were perched on my roof.

Only my roof… not my neighbors… since when do cormorants flock to a roof when perfectly good rocky perches existed in the ocean across the street?

“The Simurgh doesn’t live here!” I called out to them, as I tried to take a picture.

And then there, of course, were the hungry seagulls I posted about last week, Harold and his buddy, sizing up my sandwich at the beach…

Plus, a large brown bird in a meditative vision a week ago, urging me to remember to see from a higher perspective instead of getting tethered to the ground.

But in the last 48 hours, I had an owl swoop down in front of my car while I was driving… headed somewhere I wasn’t sure I wanted to go…

Photo: October Greenfield/Audubon Photography Awards

A family of wild turkeys wandering around my car early this morning (I have never seen them in my neighborhood before today!)…

And numerous crows flying over and landing outside my car as I took a dear friend to the bus station today.

Birds and cars…

Symbols? Guides? The Ancestors? Spirit? Not sure…

But, what I do know, is that when we stop and pay attention, we notice things more.

We notice patterns more…

We grasp the inner messages more…

We can see what inner stories they ignite.

What have you noticed lately in the world around you?

What patterns, what symbols, what stories?

Welcome to the March/April Minding the Story Newsletter!

This month’s theme is liminal space; that’s the place of not knowing. It can be a very frustrating place to be! It can also be known as the crossroads in archetypal symbolism. When we are between two places, whether leaving one job or career and in search of another, transitioning into a new and unfamiliar phase of life, or sensing you need to move but haven’t found your next home location yet, it can be very unsettling. The human mind craves safety and security, even for those of us who willingly embrace change. There is still a place in us that wants to know the answer. What’s coming next, and what will it look like? I have often found myself in this space, and truthfully, it never gets any easier, but I do understand that space better these days.

If you are finding yourself in that liminal space, the betwixt and between of your life, reach out for a Discovery Call and let’s chat about strategies to help you find peace in that waiting space, and maybe a glimpse at what direction to head next!

Courses/Workshops:

Announcing the new Minding the Story Workshop Series! These will be monthly Zoom-based workshops offered on a rotating basis. They will have two different meeting options each month.

April Workshops

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The Jung Platform course is halfway through, but you can still join! Once registered, you will have access to the previous two classes and all of the exercises we did, and be able to join us live for the next two Tuesdays (April 4th and 11th)!

Click here for more information and to register.

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Offerings from Minding the Story Coaching:

Unearthing the stories that keep you stuck, keep you in repeating patterns, and cause you stress and suffering can be a huge release… A heart-expanding, deeply personal “Aha!” moment.

For some, they prefer to do this work one-on-one with a guide, but for others, there is a comfort in meeting with a small group to arrive at those “Ahas!” together, to process, and to support one another on that journey inward. That’s why I offer both paths to this work.

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Minding Our Stories Small Group Sessions:

If you like the sense of community and support of small groups doing inner work together, then the Minding Our Stories monthly group may be for you!

In these groups, generally 5-8 participants, we meet three weeks in a row for one hour each time, plus email support in-between, creative weekly exercises, and one optional individual coaching session with me at the end of the month:

Session one introduces the process and (for those who might be returning participants) introduces what you are working on now.

Session two gives a chance to reconvene after a week of observing and sitting with how the stories arise in your life, taking note and actively applying Unstorying techniques.

Session three looks to see how you have changed how you view yourself or your situation, and offers further techniques for new insights and continuing to deepen self-awareness.

Choose from one of the two groups forming now for May:

Sundays 10am PDT / 1pm EDT / 6pm GMT

Wednesdays 4pm PDT / 7pm EDT / 11am AEDT (Thurs)

$350 for the month-long group session cycle (not including the optional individual session)

$500 includes the optional individual session.

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One-to-One Coaching:

Join me for individual sessions!

These are a powerful way for you to gain personalized strategies and tools to break through the noise and drama of your life and find more clarity, freedom, and joy.

The three-session Coaching Cycle (3- one hour sessions) is designed to focus on one area of your life or one or two specific challenges you are facing.

$1200 for the month, inclusive of three one-to-one sessions, exercises, and email support for the month.

The three-month Transcendence Program is a 12-session intensive program designed to delve deeper into the Story of You.

$3600 for the three months, inclusive of twelve one-to-one sessions, exercises, and email support for the three months.

Until next month!

Nicole

Shadow Stories Are Like Weapons

Shadow stories are like weapons in the hands of scared little children…

They lash out indiscriminately, giving a momentary illusion of protection, but without the maturity to fully understand the consequences of that action.

What they don’t yet realize about themselves or others… “You” are not your story. “They” are not the stories you carry about them.

I’m constantly pained by what I see on the news and hear about in people’s lives. So much of what we see today are projected stories crafted, weaponized, and lobbed at the perceived “problem” of the day.

WHY???

Because we have not addressed our own shadow stories.

We have not looked at our own fears and frustrations, misplaced and unresolved needs, and instead, we’ve misdirected them outward to another person or people who can take that form of our enemy or our victim.

Mythology had shown us the monsters in our midst. Given us the quests to conquer them so that we may feel triumphant and save the day.

But it’s all a story. The monsters are not “them.”

The monsters we are slaying are in us. They are our own fears made manifest as the other person.

Notice, for a moment, how there is always a “them” to be angry at, who is getting all the things you need, who is threatening to destroy your way of life. That emotion has to go somewhere. And often, it gets projected outward instead of seeing it, feeling it, and owning it. And that’s when we harm others, which also harms ourself, though we can’t recognize that… yet…

If the need to dominate to feel empowered, conquer to thrive, or vanquish to feel free is all that you know, you are still ruled by your shadow. You are NOT empowered, thriving, or free.

What happens then? Other angry, fearful people can tell you their stories and persuade you to think awful things about others. And worse, you are looking so desperately for somewhere to place the anger and fear of your own shadow that you willingly leap into their story. You have joined the herd… hypnotized by groupthink.

It seems to make sense to you. It feeds that fear and anger. It gives it a place to go. “At least it’s not me.” But now you are lost to the shadow. Even worse… you are lost to the shadow stories of other people who wield your outrage and anger for their own false feelings of empowerment, survival, and freedom. And that’s how the shadow of the world is created…one fearful, angry shadow at a time, banding together under the spell of a Shadowy Storyteller.

Want to be truly empowered, thriving, and free? Be courageous enough to break that spell. Start with your own shadow first…

Let me know when you’re ready to begin.

I Felt Disappointed By a Situation Recently…

We all do sometimes.

When we feel disappointed by an outcome or by a situation, it is almost always because we had an expectation about it. It is almost never about the other person.

Yes, they might not have said or done what you had thought they would, or done something in a way you wanted, but that’s not on them! You were the one who created that expectation, and you are the one let down by that expectation.

So should we never have expectations??? It’s pretty hard to be human and not have them!

Instead, try to get clear about what you are expecting and why. Then communicate those clearly to others involved. They may have a different expectation of the outcome of the situation. It’s good to get clear from the beginning! And then, even if you feel you’ve done this, and you still end up feeling frustrated or disappointed by things not turning out the way you had wanted them to, ask yourself this question:

What’s the story underneath that expectation?

🤔 I feel scared I can’t handle something.
🤔 I feel alone and can’t count on anyone to be there for me.
🤔 I feel like if I’m not in control of a situation, it will end badly for me.

Whatever your story is, THAT’S what the frustration and disappointment is actually coming from. Release the other person or people from your disappointment.

Does this mean you continue to carry on in a situation that doesn’t serve you or what your underlying need is? No. You are your best advocate and you can still seek out another avenue if you still need that thing to be handled in a certain way. But continue to ask yourself why. Why do you think you need that thing or that person, or that situation to be handled in a certain way? Because you think only that certain outcome will do? It’s an opportunity to learn more about yourself and your stories, and who you are without them.

My Heart Cried, “Freedom!” and the Rest was History…

This part of my journey started when I was stuck in a job that wasn’t right for me. I could sense that the doors were closing for me there, but couldn’t see where the new doors might open yet, or even what they might look like, or where they might be. I was standing in the liminal space between who I had been and who I was going to be, (and, I didn’t know it yet… but was soon to experience, far more deeply, who I truly am).

I had been talking on the phone to my dear friend, Darakshan, and told him of my dilemma. He asked me only one question:

“What does your heart want?”

My answer… “Huh? My heart’s not saying anything. I guess the only thing that shows up when you ask that is just a word… freedom.”

“Oh!” he replied, exhaling deeply. “Oh!” He was silent for a moment. “That’s huge. I would hold on to your hat if I were you.” (I’m not sure of his exact words, or if they were about holding hats, but they were pretty close to this sentiment.)

I had no idea of where my journey would take me next. Where it took me… was my own roadmap to freedom. Freedom that had nothing to do with what job I had or where I lived. It had everything to do with knowing who I was. With really, deeply, understanding who I am. It all starts with asking your heart what it wants, and being still and quiet enough to hear its answer.

What does YOUR heart want?

February Newsletter

Read on for information on Coaching Sessions, Courses & Events, and February’s Thoughts and Musings…

This month’s theme is trusting your own inner wisdom. How many of us ignore that small nagging feeling inside us? It could show up as a nagging feeling that you should walk away from a harmful situation, maybe one where your boundaries are not being respected or you know something is not quite right, but you end up giving your time and presence to it anyway. Or, maybe it shows up as a strong longing to create a career out of a passion of yours that you know you would love, despite the fears of the “practicality” of such an adventure leading to sure financial and social ruin. Or, when you know there’s something more to a situation, and sense that there is something still hidden or unsaid, even if you can’t yet put your finger on it.

In all these circumstances, and many more, you often get a flash of deep knowing, but dismiss it because you don’t trust your own inner wisdom. Your mind takes over and gives you all the reasons in the world why you might be wrong. Perhaps it’s the echoing of another’s voice you hear then, a parent, a partner, a colleague, or a supervisor; but whoever’s voice it is, it is reverberating in your mind and creating a block. It takes attention, practice, and a commitment to yourself to see that block, push it aside, or dissolve it, and find the courage to trust yourself. You contain such deep wisdom. Trust it! Trust yourself! And, step into the life you want to lead.

Course/Event Announcements:

I’m excited to announce that I will be offering a four-session course, Shadow Work and Unstorying on the web platform, Jung Platform, on Tuesdays at 7pm EST/4pm PST from March 21st through April 11th.

Please click here for the short Shadow Work and Unstorying Informational YouTube Video

Move towards a place of clarity and self-awareness, so that you might embrace all of who you are! Please click here for more information and to register.

Two Invitations from Minding the Story Coaching:

Learn to get out of your own way and free yourself from the stories that keep you stuck.

One-to-One Coaching:

Join me for individual sessions! They are a powerful way for you to gain personalized strategies and tools to break through the noise and drama of your life and find more clarity, freedom, and joy.

-> The three-session Coaching Cycle (3- one hour sessions) is designed to focus on one area of your life or one or two specific challenges you are facing.

-> The three-month Transcendence Program is a 12-session intensive program designed to delve deeper into the Story of You.

For One-to-One Coaching, please click here to schedule a Discovery Call.

Minding Our Stories Small Group Sessions:

-> I still have 5 spaces left to join my March small group sessions for those who want some support to help them cut through the noise and drama of their everyday lives and find a deeper sense of clarity, peace, and breathing space! Email me at mindingthestory@gmail.com for more information.

Upcoming Retreats:

These retreats will infuse the process of Unstorying with creativity, mindfulness, a little mythology, and a lot of fun. Please click on the retreat survey here, so I can get a sense of your interest. Currently, we are looking at Hawai’i and Portugal!Feel free to forward this email if you know someone else who would be interested in Minding their Story.

Until next month!

Nicole